Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters

Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters

Written in 1989 (inspired by Weird Al)

The US Starquake was orbiting Mars, its crew numbering eight. The 1972 model mining ship passed silently through a radioactive, electric dust cloud. The ship’s haul vibrated violently, shocked by thousands of volts of electricity.

Private Donald, who was busy unloading on the toilet, smiled to himself. The bathroom was the only room on the craft a man could get his peace and quiet. Suddenly the Computer’s voice blared through the intercom.

“There is an emergency. There is still an emergency. The emergency is still taking place. I will repeat myself. There is an emergency. I have just repeated myself. Private Donald and Mechanic Williams, report to Sector 13. Suits are mandatory. There is a radioactive leak and spreading. By the way, there is still an emergency.”

“Just great!” Donald complained. “My only free time I get, and I’m interrupted! Oh no, perfect. I’m stuck!”

Meanwhile in a room far, far away; Williams was punching out Samual for dropping his solidified prune juice down his pants. Samual fell back against a shelf, knocking a hamster cage to the floor. It shattered and Velveeta and Elvis, the two hamsters, escaped.

“I’ll finish with you later!” Williams said as he headed toward Sector 13. He came to the sector door and punched in his code. The computer blared his clearance. “Welcome mop and broom, summer vacuums of the month! Got some fresh sour milk?”

“Darn sponge-head slag, Mark was messing with the speech system again!” Williams shouted as he slammed his fist against the door. It slid open. He attached his body armor and breathing gear. Just as he took a step inside, rusty-orange vapors rushed from within.

“Pressurized radiation!!” Williams yelled as he turned the intercom on. “Attention, there’s a major radiation leak spreading throughout the entire port wing!!”

Hearing the news Bubba awoke violently from his bunk bed. “I’m a comin’ Mamma!” and with that Bubba jerked up, slammed his head against the ceiling, and fell onto the floor. “Oh, man!” Bubba said as he pulled on his jumpsuit.

Tim rolled out of his bed, onto the floor beside Bubba. Then he slowly got on his uniform. “Let’s get some coffee!” Tim said, and the door slid open.

A huge furry mass sat hunched over in the doorway. The 10 foot tall hamster’s red eyes glared down upon them! Tim and Bubba froze in fear.

Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Karate Kid posters decorated the walls of Kim’s room. When she heard William’s words on the intercom, she leapt out of bed, broke a couple boards, did a few splits, and kicked open her door.

Samual wiped the blood from his lip, grabbed his rifle, and went out into the halls. Samual was looking to shoot Williams for beating him up, so he was surprised to find a giant glowing hamster instead. Samual’s blood and guts were splattered on the walls.

Mark was busy pressing buttons in the control room. “Aliens,” Captain J mumbled as he switched on autopilot. Suddenly the door slid open and Williams stumbled in. The door closed behind him, as Williams collapsed to the floor with the words “Velveeta!”

The crew in the control room rushed to help Williams get his helmet off. “What did he say?” Mark asked. “I think he wants cheese.” Captain said. When they got his helmet off, Williams said it again. “Velveeta!” “What do you make of this Captain?” Mark said. “He said Velveeta.” “Yes, I know what he said Mr. Connect-the-dots.” Captain said. “John Williams, what is the matter?!” They all looked at eachother in desperation.

“Velveeta, big, large, huge! A…she’s um, grown; real big!” Williams exhaustedly said. “He’s evidently crazy Captain. Williams has lost his mind; bonkers,” Mark said. “I’m gonna go get a drink!” “Don’t open that door!” Williams managed to say.

“See, he’s mad!” said Mark as he opened the door and came face with a 9 foot tall Velveeta. Instinctively Mark leapt upon the beastie and grabbed it by it’s neck. “Freeze!” yelled Captain J. Williams finally passed out.

Meanwhile Private Donald had freed himself from the toilet. He washed his hands and prepared to leave. Suddenly the door flew open and Donald starred down the barrel of a lazer rifle. As he slipped backwards, a hand grabbed him and picked him up. “Ah Private Donald, trying to hide?” Corporal Samual demanded.

“I-I was really just trying to…” Donald started. Samual interjected “I don’t think so. We all know you’re scared of Sector 13 ever since Paul, James, and Kurt died there. Ok, now let’s just go get some de-radiation guns, shall we Donald?” Unexpectedly a strange large furry object passed by quickly. “What the heck was that?” Donald asked. “We had better get some cages too.”

Velveeta the Xtra-large-hamster tossed Mark against the wall, knocking him out cold. Then the furry beast headed towards Captain J. He picked up his coffee and threw it at the creature. Velveeta squeaked and shrank back to regular hamster size, which is small, and ceased glowing; with features returning to normal.

“Wow that was amazing!” Captain J said. “Coffee must reduce radioactivity.” “My aren’t we a genius today!” Velveeta said. “The radiation must have affected her vocal cords and mind!” “Stop it, you’re beginning to sound like a nerd in one of those stupid science fiction stories!” Velveeta screamed.

U.S. Starquake

Plan of the mining ship U.S. Starquake

1. control room
2. Store rooms 12.guest quarters
3. Transformer outlet 13.sector 13
4. Environs moderator 14.captains quarters
5. Enlisted quarters 15.observatory-docks
6. Sergeants quarters 16.laboratory
7. cafeteria-kitchen 17.mechanics room
8. meeting room 18.Engine room
9. Officers quarters Fuel / generators rooms Blast engine valves
Air ducts Mining arms


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