The Complete Spaghetti

Banner School Reading – Grade 7

September 15, 1989

Table of Spaghetti

1. How to deal with sloppy eaters

2. The types of spaghetti

3. Using a fork

4. How to eat spaghetti

5. Using the napkin

Chapter 1: How to deal with sloppy eaters

Spaghetti is a very special kind of food. It requires a certain skill to eat it. If the skill is not applied, the following will happen: pasta and sauce on your lap, the floor, the chandelier, the window, the dog, or your momma’s face. This book should help you to prevent things like that. Should someone else happen to forget the golden rules of spaghetti, do the following:

1. Ignore the incongruent aspect completely (imagine he is the spaghetti and your fork is a harpoon). Switch the subject.

2. If you cant ignore by imagining something else, think positive. “Wow this meal reminds me of that Modern Art exhibit in Baltimore!”

3. Then cut into them! “Yes I also find that exhibiting large portions of tomato sauce on my face is exceedingly charming.”

4. If the first three fail then pretend like you are having a seizure on the floor. This will cause them to either freeze cold and go into shock, or laugh so hard the spaghetti will come out their nose.

Chapter 2. The types of spaghetti

There are many different kinds of spaghetti. Most spaghetti noodles are straight and pale yellow, but some are curly and different colors like green and orange. The noodles are usually long, but can be broken or short. The curly noodles usually store lots of sauce, which can be deadly for white clothing, until bleached. The green ones are packed with spinach iron.

The pasta sauce is usually a tomato base, usually with meatballs. Sometimes hamburger helps. Generally spaghetti is sloppy when served and eaten.

Chapter 3. Using a fork

The most famous utensil for spaghetti is the fork. Then again some people become (in)famous for not using utensils. The famous Architect, Dan Hart, simply applies his face to the plate and his mouth acts like a vacuum. When using a fork, there are two proverbial ways:

1. First swirl or twirl your fork around in the spaghetti so that it wraps around it, then jam it all in your mouth.

2. Secondly, cut up the noodles into bite size pieces

Chapter 4. How to eat spaghetti

If you use the first method of using a fork, then you must open your mouth wide, and when the spaghetti is in your mouth, close it slightly and quietly start chewing. Then suck the spaghetti down your throat. It is easier on your digestive system if you take the time to cut and chew before swallowing.

Chapter 5. Using the napkin

If you happen to get sauce or pasta on your face, quickly apply the napkin to wipe away the mess. Use it swiftly but widely. The napkin is very important; keep it on your lap when not being used. Do not let it fall on the ground.

Thank you for reading these simple instructions, and I hope you fall in love with spaghetti all over again!

*****

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