Letters From Shitadel

FB HAST group contributions

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Inspired by Emily

“Listen I am really not supposed to be sharing this, but here goes. Everyone here (citsec). Everyone here is worried about the retail collusion. Our volatility engines are totally broken, and the sequencer is over-flowing. People are scared for their jobs, even Ken is in the office lately. We didnt think we would have to cover so many shorts; and the dark pools are becoming thinner by the minute due to pricing mismatches. This is a crisis like ive never seen in my 3 years in the industry. It’s true, all of it. – The Emily Account 6/10/21” Later Emily tweeted it was a joke post; but she showed a photo with her handwritten signature and official Citadel covid mask, so she probably at least worked for Citadel Securities.

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“Dear twitter, i am trapped at my crappy desk and i hate my boss. I always have to clean out the dark pool, and wash the naked shorts. I have no more friends because i work for the Devil. Our vortex machine and ladders are broken. Please help, i want a new job.”

“Dear Joe Parson, I was told you are an ape i can trust. I am Ken Griffin’s personal secretary and he makes me do terrible things. I am not allowed to tell you everything now, but meet me at the parking lot behind Citadel at midnight. – Emily Beavis”

 I’m going to wear my bulletproof vest because I don’t trust Emily

“Dear Kenneth Barrett, this is Ken Griffin at Citadel. I had no one else to turn to, because my life has become a charade. My dog died last week, and i am not sure but i think all my staff hate me. I dont know why people hate me so much, i pay them to like me. Can you help me? I was told that you are the man to talk to if i have a problem. Sincerely, Ken G.”

“Dear Chris Puopolo, i need your help to burn down my office building. THere are a few guards, but should not be a problem. I am using twitter because i am not allowed to leave the building, but i have nothing to go home to since i have been trapped by the Devil for 500 years. truly, Cemore Butts, Esq.”

“Dear Bee Jay, I want to attend Stonk-stock to hang out with Fish at the apefest, but i am chained to my desk at Citadel. Can you come free me? There are 3 levels of puzzles and a boss to fight. This is not a trap, come asap. – Frito”

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